A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a long plane ride and they get to talking. After a couple of hours, the priest says to the rabbi, “Tell me, Rabbi, did you ever in all your years succumb to temptation and try a little ham?”

The rabbi says, “You know what, Father? I will confess. I was so curious about it, I once had a ham sandwich.”

Another hour goes by and the rabbi feels comfortable enough to ask the priest, “Father, tell me, in all your years, did you ever succumb to temptation and see what it was like to be with a woman?”

The priest says, “Rabbi, I’m going to tell you the truth. Yes, one time I gave in and experienced the joys of the flesh.”

The rabbi says, “So, Father, beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, eh?”

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An old man enters a church and goes to confession. The priest slides back the window and the old man says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I’m 80 years old and earlier this week I was walking home from the library when a car pulled up with two young ladies in it. They said they were on spring break and they asked for directions. We got into a conversation and they offered me a ride home. On the way, they asked me how old I am. When they learned that I’m 80 years old, they asked “When’s the last time you had sex?” When I told them it’s been years, they asked me if I’d like to have a good time. I said sure, so they came into my apartment and for the next two nights and the day in between, hoo whee! They’re still there and they told me that when I get home, they’re going to show me things that a man and a woman can do that I never dreamed of. So that’s my confession.”

“I see,” says the priest. “Tell me, when is the last time you made a confession?”

“Oh, this is my first time, Father.”

“You’re 80 years old and you’ve never made confession before?”

“No, I’m Jewish.”

“Well, in that case, why are you telling me all this?”

“Father, I’m telling everybody!”

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“START WORRYING. DETAILS TO FOLLOW.” 

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A boy shows up at synagogue on Yom Kippur without a ticket and the usher won’t let him in. “But I’m not staying, I just need to to talk to my mother!” “Okay,” the usher says, “But if I catch you praying, you’re out!”

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A religious Jew is shipwrecked and spends thirty years on a deserted island. Finally, a passing ship sees his bonfire and sends a rescue party. Thank God, he’s getting off the island!

The captain of the ship is curious how this man spent thirty years living alone, so he goes ashore and gets a tour of the island. He sees the tools, the cooking utensils, the living accommodation, etc. He asks, “What did you do so that you wouldn’t go insane living alone for thirty years?”

The old Jew says, “Let me show you.”

The pair take a little path through the jungle and come to a clearing where there is a magnificent synagogue that looks like an old European cathedral.

The captain says, “Oh, I see. It must have taken thirty years to have built this alone by hand.”

The old Jew says, “No, actually it took me fifteen years. Let me show you what I did for the next fifteen.”

They take another path through the jungle to another clearing and there’s another magnificent synagogue.

The captain says, “I understand you needed to keep busy, but two synagogues? Why?”

The old Jew says, “The first synagogue I pray in every day. The second synagogue, I would never step foot in that synagogue!”

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A guy gets on a train and settles in for an hour-long ride. There’s an old Jewish man sitting next to him who says, “Oy! Am I thirsty. Oy! Am I thirsty.”

The guy looks over at the old man and wonders, “Is this going to go on for an hour?”“Oy! Am I thirsty.”

Realizing that it will go on, the guy reaches into his backpack, pulls out a bottle of water, and hands it to the old Jew, who drinks down the bottle. The man is quiet for about a minute and then… “Oy! Was I thirsty.”

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Back in the days when the New York Athletic Club was restricted – no Jews allowed – Milton Wasserstein wanted to join anyway, so he changed his name to Martin Waters III. He underwent surgery to give himself a less prominent nose, he traveled to England and studied with a tutor for a year to lose his accent, and, when he came back, he spent another year getting to know some members of the New York Athletic Club.

Finally, it was time to come before the membership committee. The chairman asked him, “What is your name?”

“Martin Waters III.”

“Are you married, Mr. Waters?”

“Oh yes. Dorothy and I have three lovely children. Babs is our youngest, Hunter is the middle child, and Martin Waters IV is our oldest.”

“And your education?”

“The usual places – Eton, Oxford.Young Martin is there now.”

“Very good. And your religious affiliation?”

“Oh, we’re goyim, of course.”

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Old Saul Mankewitz is lying on his deathbed with his grandson Yossi at his side. Saul tells the boy, “Go down to the kitchen and get some of your grandmother’s rugelach, so that should be the last thing I taste in this world.”

Five minutes later, Yossi returns empty handed and Saul asks, “Where is the rugelach?”

The grandson replies, “Bubbe says she’s saving it for the shiva.”

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At a retirement community in Florida, Sadie Horowitz sees a new male resident relaxing by the pool. After quickly touching up her lipstick, she approaches him.

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

“Be my guest.”

Sadie makes herself comfortable on the lounger.

“So, what’s your name?” she asks.

“Howie.”

“And where are you from, Howie?”

“Cleveland.”

“Cleveland! My second cousin Irv Rubanowitz was born in Cincinnati!”

“Hmm, don’t know him.”

“Ah, you’re better off. Irv’s a schmuck. Anyway, how old are you?

“Turning 75 next month.”

“Ah a Libra! And what did you do in Cleveland?”

“I was in prison.”

“Prison! And can I ask what for?”

“I was married to a woman who wouldn’t stop pestering me with inane questions, so I finally snapped and killed her with a knife, cut her up with a saw, and fed her to the bears. For this I spent 35 years in supermax.”

Her eyes widen.

“Ah,” Sadie says. “So you’re single?”

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Yossi and Mendy are sitting at a table together and there are two pieces of cake left, a big one and a little one. They sit there for a while and finally Yossi takes the bigger piece of cake.

Mendy: That wasn’t very generous of you!

Yossi: Why, which one would you have taken?

Mendy: I would have taken the smaller one, of course!

Yossi: Well then you got it.

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