Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
Four rabbis were having a Talmudic debate about an important matter regarding Jewish law. Everyone stated their case and then they voted. It was three to one against Rabbi Eliezer.
But Rabbi Eliezer was sure that he was right! He cried out to heaven, “God, please send a sign to prove that I am right!”
Out a clear blue sky, it suddenly began to snow. Rabbi Eliezer said “You see!?”
One of the other rabbis says, “So, it’s snowing in winter. This is a sign?”
Rabbi Eliezer said, “God, please make it clearer to them!”
Out of the sky, a massive icicle fell and split a tree in half. Rabbi Eliezer cried, “It’s a miracle!”
The second rabbi said, “An icicle from the sky. This you call a miracle?”
Before Rabbi Eleizer could appeal to God one more time, the sky darkened and a booming voice called out from heaven, “The law is according to Rabbi Eliezer.”
Eliezer says, “There! Now you see!”
The third rabbi says, “Meh. So now it’s three to two.”
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A rabbi and a Tel Aviv cab driver are in line to get into heaven. The rabbi is confident he’ll get in, while the cabbie is a little nervous. When they reach the gate, they both get in and the cabbie breathes a sigh of relief.
It’s time for them to be shown where they’ll be living for eternity. The rabbi is taken to a very nice duplex apartment in a nice building on a nice street. He walks out on his balcony and what does he see but the Tel Aviv cabbie being shown into a mansion on a hill.
The rabbi calls the front desk of heaven and says, “Not to complain, my place is very nice, but I dedicated my whole life to bringing my congregation closer to the Lord, yet the cabbie gets the mansion on the hill. What’s going on?”
The front desk tells him, “To be frank, Rabbi, when you were lecturing to your congregation, a lot of people were asleep. But when that cabbie was driving, everybody was praying!”
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A blind man is sitting on a park bench when a Rabbi sits down next to him. It’s Passover, and the Rabbi takes out a piece of matzah and starts eating. Feeling friendly, the Rabbi offers a piece of the perforated cracker to his sightless neighbor. After a moment, the blind man turns to the Rabbi and says, “Who wrote this garbage?”
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Two beggars are plying their trade outside the Vatican.
One has a basket with a Jewish star on it and a few pennies inside. The other has a basket with a cross on it; it’s overflowing with cash.
A priest comes walking out of the Vatican. He looks at the two beggars and takes pity on the one with a few pennies in his basket. “You know,” he tells the beggar, “Given where you are, maybe a basket with a Jewish star isn’t the best way to collect money.”
The beggar with the star turns to the beggar with the overflowing basket and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach us about marketing!”
Photo credit: Fabio Fistarol
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The daughter of a successful businessman marries a young Torah scholar.
The businessman calls his new son-in-law in for a meeting. He says, “Son, I love my daughter. That’s why I’ve decided to make you fifty percent owner of my business. All you have to do is come into the factory every day and learn the ropes.”
The young man says, “Factory? That’s too noisy. I can’t work in a factory.”
“Ok, so we’ll put you in the office and you’ll take over some of the operations.”
“Office? No, no I really can’t sit behind a desk all day.”
“Son, I’ve just made you fifty percent owner of a successful organization, but you can’t work in the factory because it’s too noisy and you can’t work in the office because you can’t sit behind a desk. What am I supposed to do with you?”
“Oh, that’s easy. Buy me out!”
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A guy goes to see his psychiatrist. “Doctor, I had the weirdest dream. I was talking to my mother, but she had your face! I was so freaked out, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Finally, I got up at seven o’clock, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and then came right over here. Doctor, what do you think the dream means?”
The doctor is quiet for a long moment and then she says, “A slice of toast and some coffee? You call that a breakfast?”
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A rabbi, a priest, and an imam have been playing golf together for years. They like to play early and they like to play fast.
One day, they find themselves behind a twosome who are extremely slow. They spend their day waiting as the men in the twosome talk over every single shot.
When they finally get off the course, they walk up to the starter to complain. “That pair ahead of us was so slow!”
“I’m sorry, but that was a blind golfer and his aide,” the starter explains.
The imam replies, “I feel terrible about complaining. I am going to pray to do better in my life and find some way to help blind people.”
The priest says, “I’m going to talk to my church about this. We’re going to take up a collection and donate it to the blind golfer’s association.”
The rabbi says, “So they couldn’t play at night?”
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A couple goes to see a rabbi for a blessing to have children because they’ve been trying and haven’t had any success.
The rabbi says, “You came to me at the right time. I’m on my way to Israel. I’ll write a note with your names on it and your prayer for children and put it in the Western Wall in Jerusalem.”
Five years later, the rabbi is back in town and he runs into the woman. He says, “Did you have children? Was your prayer answered?”
She says, “Rabbi, we have eleven children.”
“Eleven kids in five years?”
“Yes, Rabbi. The first year we had twins. The second year we had twins. Then we had one. Then we had triplets. Then we had triplets again.”
“That’s incredible! Where’s your husband?”
“He’s in Israel right now.”
“Oh, really? Is he there on business?”
“No, he’s at the Western Wall, looking for that note!”
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Moshe, Avi, and Yitzi are walking up the fairway. Two of the guys are grumbling and complaining.
Moshe says, “Do you know what I had to do so that I could come out and play golf with you fellas? I had to reorganize the whole garage and build shelves. It took forever.”
Avi says, “What are you complaining about? I had to build my wife a whole new kitchen so I could come out and play golf.”
Yitzi looks at them and says, “Amateurs! This morning at 5:30, my big alarm clock with the two bells went ‘Brrrrrrringggg!!’ I elbowed my wife and said ‘Honey, golf course or intercourse?’ She said, ‘Don’t forget your sweater.’”
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After services one Shabbat, Rabbi Cohen is approached by Larry Levy, the famous TV producer. “Rabbi Cohen, that sermon was amazing! I want to put you on my talk show on national TV.”
“Oh my, I’m so flattered,” says the rabbi. “That would be wonderful!”
“Here’s the thing, Rabbi. TV audience attention spans are much smaller. You can’t do a 25 minute sermon on TV.”
“Oh, I see. Well, I could take away the opening anecdote about my trip to Brazil. That would chop it down by a few minutes – bring it down to 18 or 19 minutes.”
“Yeah, Rabbi, that’s still too long.”
“Instead of five examples of the teaching, I could do it with three. That would make it twelve minutes.”
“Now we’re cookin’, Rabbi, but it’s got to be shorter than that.”
“Well, really I just need one strong example. Beginning, middle, end, with a nice takeaway. I could do the whole sermon in five minutes flat.”
“So, Rabbi, why didn’t you?”
Photo credit: Lainie Berger
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