Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
He asks, “Is my wife Sara here?” “Yes,” says Sara. “I’m here with you!” “Are my children here?” “Yes, Max, your sons and your daughters are all here!” “Are my grandchildren here?” “Yes, all of the grandchildren are here. Max, your entire family is here with you!”
Then Max Greenberg lifts his head one last time and asks, “So why is the light on in the kitchen?”
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Image: “Old Man on his Death Bed” by Gustav Klimt, c. 1899
Shloime and Esty go on a big vacation all the way across the world to Thailand. They’re having a great time until one day they get into a fight. Shloime goes on a walk on the beach by himself to cool off.
While walking, he looks down to see an old-fashioned oil lamp in the sand. He picks it up and, as he rubs off the sand, a genie appears.
“My master,” the genie says, “I can grant you one wish. Tell me what you want.”
Shloime pulls out his phone and shows the genie a map of Israel. “This is Israel. There’s always conflict there. Make peace between Israel and all its neighbors.”
“You think we haven’t heard of the Middle East peace problem? This is far too complicated for a simple wish. Ask me for something reasonable.”
Shloime thinks about his argument with Esty, his wife, and he says, “OK, my wish is to understand the mind of a woman.”
The genie looks at Shloime and says, “Show me that map again.”
🤣
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The Emperor of China needed a new Chief Samurai. He held tryouts and selected three finalists for the prestigious position.
The first finalist was a samurai from the south. He stepped forward and opened a small box, releasing a fly. The samurai drew his samurai sword, sliced the air, and the fly, split perfectly in two, fell dead to the ground.
The second finalist, a samurai from the north, came forward holding an even smaller box. He opened it and out flew a gnat. The samurai drew his sword, striked, and the gnat, split in two, fell dead to the ground.
The third finalist was Shimmy Yankowitz from Crown Heights, Brooklyn, carrying an old cigar box. Shimmy opened the box and out flew a bumble bee. He took out a very thin sword, striked, and the bumble bee flew away.
The emperor, annoyed, said, “What kind of skill is that? The bee did not die!”
Shimmy replied, “Of course not, sir. The circumcision is not intended to kill.”
🤣
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game. The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”
Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”
🤣
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A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”
The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The cantor says, “Kill me first.”
🤣
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Rabbi Goldberg has always had a secret urge to try pork, but he’s never given into it. One year, he goes on vacation to Hawaii and every night at the resort, they have a luau where they bring out delicious-smelling suckling pigs to serve to guests.
Rabbi Goldberg is incredibly tempted. “I’m so far away from home. Who’s going to know?” And so, he orders the suckling pig.
While he’s waiting for it to arrive, who should walk by but Mr. and Mrs. Pearlman from his congregation. “Rabbi Goldberg, so good to see you! Imagine running into you here.”
Anticipating the arrival of the pig, Rabbi Goldberg tries to make the conversation as short as possible, but it’s no use. The waiter arrives with a big silver tray containing a roast pig with an apple in its mouth and places it on the table in front of the rabbi.
The Perlmans look at the pig and then look at the rabbi.
The rabbi looks at the Perlmans and then looks at the pig. “This resort is so over the top. Imagine, I order an apple and this is how they bring it!”
🤣
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Abe, Solly, and Moshe Levine are three brothers who have emigrated to different countries. Abe is in New York, Solly is in London, and Moshe is in Sydney. They agree to honor their brotherhood by drinking a beer for each other every week.
So Solly goes to the same London pub every Monday night, orders three beers, and sits in the corner, thinking of his brothers.
The regulars get to know him and they understand why he orders three beers on the same day every week.
One Monday, Solly comes into the pub and he only orders two beers. The regulars are concerned. Finally, the bartender says to Solly, “You only ordered two beers. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
“No,” replies Solly. “I just decided to give up drinking.”
🤣
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