Everyone loves a great Jewish joke! From rabbis to parrots, from Vilna to Brooklyn, from cobblers to yentas, these are the world’s best Jewish jokes. Enjoy!
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
A man walks into a deli on the lower east side of New York City and asks the owner, “Do you have pickles?”
“Do I have pickles?! Right here I have sour, half-sour, and oversize. Step over here for the gherkins. This barrel is full of bread & butter pickles. That one’s got brine pickles. Those three barrels are all classic dill. That vat holds the sweet dill. And those shelves are for Hungarian, German and Polish pickles.”
“Wow! You must sell a lot of pickles!”
“Well, to be honest, not so many. But the guy I buy from? Boy can he sell pickles!”
🤣
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Rabbi Moshe Karelman, a brilliant Talmudist and his star pupil Yeshaya are traveling to Vilna when they have to stop for the night, and pitch their tent in an empty field.
After the evening prayers Rabbi Karelman and Yeshaya retire for the evening.
Some hours later, Rabbi Karelman wakes up and nudges his student.
“Yeshaya, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Rabbi Karelman.”
“And from this, what do you deduce?”
Yeshaya ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, this view conveys the vastness of the heavens. Chronometrically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of His universe. What does it tell you, Rabbi Karelman?”
“Yeshaya, someone has stolen our tent.”
🤣
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After months of negotiation with the authorities, a talmudist from Leningrad is finally granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boards his train. At the next stop, a young man gets on and sits next to him. The talmudist looks at the young man and thinks:
This fellow doesn’t look like a farm worker, so he probably comes from this district, and this being a Jewish district, he’s probably a Jew.
But if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I’m the only Jew in our district with permission to travel to Moscow.
Ah! Just outside Moscow there’s a village called Lesnaya, and Jews don’t need special permission to go to Lesnaya. But why would he travel to Lesnaya? Must be he’s going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Lesnaya? Only two, Davidovich and Orovich. But since the Oroviches are a terrible family, this nice looking fellow must be visiting the Davidoviches.
The Davidoviches have two children – daughters – so maybe he’s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say Suri Davidovich married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esti married a tailor from Vinograd, so this must be Suri’s husband. Which means his name is Sasha Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.
But if he came from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the university. Nothing less would suffice.
The talmudist turns to his neighbor and says, “Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?”
“Not at all. But how did you know my name?”
“Oh, it was obvious.”
🤣
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Three Jewish men fleeing the pogroms in eastern Europe get to know one another on the ship to America. When they reach Ellis Island, they agree to reunite in 20 years to see how they all fared in the land of opportunity.
Two decades later, they meet again.
Silverman says, “When I arrived, I had no idea how I’d make a living. So I looked up Silvermans in the phone book and actually found a distant relative. He was in the silver business and he took me on. After a few years, I married his daughter and became a partner. Now I have a house in the city and another in the mountains. Baruch Hashem, I can’t complain. How about you, Goldstein?”
“Believe it or not, same story. I found a relative in the gold business, worked hard, married his daughter and became a partner. Today I live on the top floor of a building I own and Baruch Hashem my grandchildren don’t worry how they’ll pay for college. How about you, Taylor?”
“I too had no idea how I’d make a living. Despite my name, I never trained as a tailor and it sounded like a lot of work for not a lot of money. So I went to shul and prayed. I said, ‘God, if you make me a prosperous man, I promise to make you my partner.'”
“Nu? So what happened?”
“What do you mean, what happened? You never heard of Lord & Taylor?”
🤣
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Six Jews are playing poker in the clubhouse of their retirement community in Florida. Abe loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Out of respect to Abe, they play the final hours of their game standing up.
At the end of the evening, Meyerowitz looks around and asks, “Nu? So who’s going to tell his wife?”
They cut the cards.
Pearlman draws the low card. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make the sad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet! The soul of discretion. Leave it to me.”
Pearlman goes over to Abe’s condo and knocks on the door. Abe’s wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
“Abe lost $500 in a poker game and he’s afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”
“OK, I’ll go tell him.”
🤣
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Mitzi’s husband Hershel was late coming home again.
Fed up, she wrote him a note saying, “I’ve had it! I’ve left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Mitzi placed the note on his dresser, then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
Some time later, Hershel came home. She heard him rummage the fridge, walk up the stairs and enter their bedroom.
She watched him go over to the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on the back of her note. Then he called someone on his cell.
“She finally did it. She left me… ‘Bout time, right? Darling, from now it’s you and me. Put on that slinky dress and meet me at the Waldorf. It’s gonna be a night to remember, and breakfast in bed! …I love you too. Can’t wait.”
Hershel grabbed his keys and trotted down the stairs. Mitzi heard his car drive off as she emerged from beneath the bed, furious and sobbing.
Wiping her tears, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I saw your feet. We’re out of ice cream. Back in ten minutes.”
🤣
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Relieved to get a break in her day, Esty jumped to answer the telephone.
“Darling, how are you? This is Momma.”
“Oh, Momma, I’m having a bad day. The baby’s upset and the dishwasher broke. I haven’t gone shopping yet, and I banged my shin so hard I’m hobbling around. The house is a mess and on top of all that, the Silversteins are coming for dinner. I don’t how I’m gonna do it.”
“Darling, Momma’s got this. Sit down and do absolutely nothing for 30 minutes except relax. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house and cook dinner. I have a wonderful repairman for the dishwasher, and I’ll take the baby for a stroll. So stop crying, Momma’s taking care of everything. In fact, I’ll even call Moshe at the office and tell him to come home early and help out for once.”
“Moshe? Who’s Moshe?”
“Why, Moshe’s your husband… Is this 564-7721?”
“No, it’s 564-7712.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I have the wrong number.”
Short pause.
“Does this mean you’re not coming over?”
🤣
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“Shalom, Mr. Supreme Leader, this is Yankel from a little village in Israel. I’m calling to let you know that our morning minyan is officially declaring war on you.”
“Well, Yankel, this is important news. Tell me, how big is your army?”
“Currently, there is myself, my cousin Moishie, our next door neighbor Yossi, and the entire 6:00 am minyan— that makes 18!”
“I must tell you, Yankel, that I have one million men in my army ready to move on my command.”
“Oy, I’ll call you back.”
Next day.
“All right, Mr. Supreme Leader, the war is still on! We acquired some equipment: two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Moishie’s tractor from the farm.”
“Yankel, I have 16 thousand tanks and 14 thousand armored carriers.”
“Really? I’ll call you back.”
Next day.
“Hello Mr. Supreme Leader, the war is still on. Now we’re airborne too! We modified Shimmie’s ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the 8:00 am Minyan joined us as well.”
“Yankel, I have a thousand bombers, ten thousand MiG 19 fighter planes, and my bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles. And since we first spoke, my army has doubled in size to two million men.”
“Really? I’ll call you back.”
Next day.
“Mr. Supreme Leader, I’m sorry to tell you the war is off.”
“I’m very sorry to hear that, Yankel. Why the change of heart?”
“We all had a chat, and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
🤣
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