Our Favorite Jewish Jokes
All jokes adapted by Sal Litvak, the Accidental Talmudist.
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Latest Jokes
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Blood Drive
A priest, a minister and a rabbit show up to a blood drive.
The nurse asks the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
The rabbit says, “I’m probably a type O.”
🤣
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Illegal Sukkah
The week-long holiday of Sukkot is approaching and Moishe Edelstein just finished building a sukkah on his apartment balcony. But when the landlord sees it, he becomes furious and tells Moshe it’s a fire hazard and must be taken down.Moishe insists that building a sukkah is a 3300 year old religious obligation, but the landlord isn’t swayed and the case winds up in court.
The landlord explains to the judge that Moishe’s sukkah is an unsightly safety hazard that violates the lease.
Moishe explains that he’s simply exercising his religious freedom.
Judge Goldberg considers the case and finally tells Moishe, “I’m sorry Mr. Edelstein, your landlord is right, you need to take down the sukkah. You have eight days to comply.”
🤣
Image: Sukkot on graded apartment balconies in Jerusalem
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Gorilla Impersonator
Ernie Schwartz is an out-of-work actor who’s reduced to applying for a job as a gorilla impersonator. When he gets it, he’s shocked to discover that he’ll be working at the Central Park Zoo, where budgets cuts have made it impossible to replace the old gorilla who passed away.
Ernie puts on the costume, gets in the enclosure, goes through the act, and starts to realize that the kids love it. And he gets into it because he’s an entertainer, after all. He’s beating his chest, eating the bananas, swinging on vines, and he gets so into it that when he’s swinging on one of those vines, he ends up going out of the gorilla enclosure and lands right in the lion’s den.
The king of beasts comes over and starts growling right in Ernie’s face. Terrified, Ernie can’t think of anything to say except the prayer that a Jew recites right before he dies: “Shma Israel, Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem echad.” And he’s shocked when the lion pauses his growl and responds, “Baruch shem kavod malchuto l’olam vaed.”
Then over from the bear enclosure someone hisses, “Will you guys shut up? You’re going to get us all fired!”
🤣
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We Need You, Stanley!
Stanley’s having coffee in his palatial home when there’s a knock on the door. It’s the Rabbi. He says, “Stanley, we have a very important new initiative at the synagogue. We’re building a preschool that’s going to ensure the future of our community! And Stanley, we really need your help in a significant way.”
Stanley replies, “Rabbi, I got a kid in college, he wants to go to law school. I got another kid in college, she wants to go to medical school. I got a cousin on the verge of bankruptcy who needs a bridge loan or his whole life is going to fall apart. I got an aunt who needs a lifesaving operation. And rabbi, if I can say no to them, I can say no to you!”
🤣
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The Firing Squad
Two Jews are in standing front of a firing squad.
The commandant says “Any last requests?”
One of the Jews says, “I would like please a blindfold.”
The other Jew whispers, “Sam! Don’t make trouble.”
🥺
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Lost In The Mall
Max and Ruthie go to the biggest mall in America. After shopping all day, Ruthie realizes she’s lost track of her husband. She searches all over but can’t find him so she calls him frantically.
“Max, where are you? I’ve looked everywhere!”
“Ruthie, do you remember that jewelry store we visited years ago, and there was a pair of diamond earrings you fell in love with and i said one day i’ll get them for you?”
“Yes Max, I remember!”
“Well I’m in the sports bar next to that store.”
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Visit From The KGB
Back In the darkest says of the Soviet Union, a KGB agent goes into a ratty old building. He walks up several flights of stairs and knocks on the a door of a dingy apartment with a name plate that says DAVIDOVICH. The KGB agent pounds on the door and finally an old man in a shabby coat opens the door.
“Does the tailor Davidovich live here?”
“No.”
“Who are you?”
“Davidovich.”
“So why did you say Davidovich doesn’t live here?”
“You call this living?”
🤣
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The Jewish Lumberjack
During the great depression a little Russian Jew applies for the only job available.
“Mr Rabinowitz, you don’t look like a lumberjack.”
“Actually I’m a very experienced lumberjack!”
“So where did you work before?”
“I worked in the Sahara forest.”
“You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Sure, now it’s a desert!”
🤣
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Four Bubbies
Four bubbies in Miami are playing cards.
The first sighs and says “Oy!”
The second in a pained voice responds, “Oy vey!”
The third wails “Oy vey iz mir!”
And then the fourth one replies, “I thought we agreed not to talk about the children!”
🤣
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The Jewish Atheist
A Jewish atheist and his family move to a new town. The best school in town is Catholic, so the atheist sends his son to Catholic school. Everything seems fine until one day the kid comes home and says, “Today we learned about the father, the son, and the holy spirit!”
His father starts to get agitated. “There’s only one God!” he tells his son. “And we don’t believe in him!”
🤣
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